全程经历了2020年的美国总统选举后，一位熟人在众多人的面前愤怒地表示，“黑暗，黑暗，要离开这个地方，一定要离开。”接着，听说他开始四处搜集移民北欧，移民加拿大，甚至回到中国的各种可能性和手续细节。 一年过去了，我见他仍然安稳地住在他那3000多平方英尺的大房子里，房顶上还新增加了最新式的太阳能发电板，不像要离去的样子。

几年前回国时，和亲戚吃饭，饭桌上听到一位才复原的二十多岁的表侄子谈他的部队，“买官卖官是公开的事情，排级二十几万，连级五十几万，这在部队里完全不是秘密。营长团长都富得流油，更不要说他们的上司。 黑暗，黑暗！”我不信。这位表侄子表示，他不想多费口舌来说服我，对他来说，因为没有其他地方可走，只有用孙悟空钻进铁扇公主肚子的办法，以求生存。后来见到了“正面媒体”有关军中大贪谷俊山，徐才厚等等的报道， 从这些政治内斗的爆料中，我相信了表侄子的话是真的。

黑暗，并不一定是躺在坍塌的煤层中的感觉，那是一种是没有希望，没有出路，有情无处诉，有理无处申，有话不敢说的感觉，是正常的道德观念和伦理习惯被压榨到死角的感觉。

那种感觉在我心中，已经有年头了。在那5月的明媚阳光下，我年轻的眼睛曾见过，因为说了几句“反党”话的年轻的女人经游街示众被押上刑场。他们说，这是工作中的失误，是坏人的一手遮天，以后不会再有。 以后，我又读到了诺贝尔奖得主因言获罪，病死狱中。我不会忘记初中时的一个大晴天，批判会场上，市轻工局长的女儿激情四溢地揭发批判自己的母亲，不久后母亲自杀，她老革命的父亲说， “在延安时我们也这样整过别人。”我想，不管以后他们当了什么样的官，发了多大的财，他们心里装着的，和我一样，一定不会有多少光明。

我们都像鸟，像苍蝇一样，想寻找一个光明的地方，但在哪里呢？年轻的时候，蒙在被子里，用短波收音机听美国之音。憋着气，从强烈干扰噪声的缝隙中，去吸吮那些新闻，故事，音乐， 相信那些都是从一个光明的地方传来的东西，青春的心脏真诚地朝着那个地方跳动。现在就住在这个地方，觉得光明吗？每天晚上西部时间6点半，准时收看ABC晚间主要新闻，英俊迷人的主播David Muir， 在我们家里被称作“乌鸦嘴”：我做过一个月的统计，每天从他口里播出的新闻，80%以上是美国的负面消息，天灾，人祸，杀人，丑闻，压得人喘不过气来，用来陪伴晚饭确实有点不适。我知道， 民主国家的媒体是以“揭露阴暗面”为主。但是，“阴暗面”的面积是不是也太大了点，那些看来就在你身边“阴暗面”，随时有罩到你身上来的架势。看到杀人罪犯在法庭上巧妙地逃脱法律制裁， 看到最低级的损人利己的行为因“政治正确”而毫不留情地被漠视，看到到女学生在女厕所被穿裙男生性侵，父亲讨回公道被警察当作“学校恐怖分子”强行逮捕，如果此时你还能心情舒畅地品尝你的水煮鱼， 那就怪了。正是对那些“阴暗面”的恐惧，我一度把购买散弹枪和用钢板加固院墙提到家庭的议事日程。 美国从来就不是，还是越来越不是以前所想象的那样子？我这个在这里生活了30多年的人， 和在这里生活了一辈子的人们谈起，大家的感觉，更倾向用比较级：生活更艰难，社会更不安全，两党之争，已经不是不同治国理念的冲突，而是超越了国家和民众的利益，成了一种凶残的政治厮杀。 人们所看到的生活上的那些改善，主要是来自科技的进步，而不是社会结构的进步。

光明在哪里？是在北欧那些“最适宜居住的国家”吗？是在加拿大吗？是在澳洲吗？看来都不是。因为人本身就不光明，大家以各种形式聚在一起，相互依赖，又相互不依赖，更难光明。

于是这个层次的人开始考虑，在这样一个时代，是作圈里的猪，还是作钟鼓楼上的麻雀。圈里的猪，因为长期圈养而钝化了智力，关心的只有主人的吆喝，和互相拱着往喂食桶那边挤，生活倒还安全无忧。 钟鼓楼上的麻雀，想找个高屋筑瓴的地方享受世界，却整日被可怕的钟声吓破胆，虽然还可以到处飞，被强音震死的可能性不是没有。猪圈里的猪，旁人觉得它在黑暗中；钟鼓楼上的麻雀，它觉得自己在黑暗中。

不要告诉我，它们有“原则性的不同”。当事情摊到自己头上的时候，你才会以一个生物的真实感觉来代替那些排名1,2,3,4的宏伟的“原则性”。一位少女在校园枪击中丧生，和一位少女因有“反动言论”被政府枪决， 区别在哪里？如果是旁观者，你会拿出民主，自由，人权来证明她们丧失生命的意义不同。但是如果你是死者的亲人，你就只会有一种感觉：那些致死的原因都是恶，都是黑暗，没有什么不同。

黑暗之间没有本质的区别，只有程度和模式的不同。

没有认真作过画的人，很难知道，黑色也有不同的调性。当我知道，“一团漆黑”中，有乌木黑，乌鸦黑，木炭黑，午夜黑，墨水黑，沥青黑 . . .，等几十种不同的色调时，我开始想像，如何来描述自己经历过的黑暗的感觉。

那边的黑暗，像一块巨大的钢锭，其中有预先凿就的管道，你就居于那些管道中。你只一条通道，一个进口，一个出口。你需要的营养和空气，只能从一个方向来，你的发泄和排泄只有一个方向去。 管壁上有为你指方向的大大小小的寄生虫。你不知道你到底向什么地方流去，它们也不知道。管壁上写着，“奔向人类的天堂”。那样的黑暗，黑得无助。

这边的黑暗，像一块巨大的黑色海绵，铺天盖地，荆棘丛生，使人压抑，使人窒息。但你还是可以通过纤维间的间隔从不同的方向获得空气和养分，行使你的发泄和排泄，你仍有那么一些伸展自己的可能性。 这边的黑，黑得无奈。

我们躲不开黑暗，只能去品尝黑暗，只能根据自己的情况，决定愿意和哪种黑暗相处

人最为珍贵的权利是选择的权利。当有了这种权利的时候，人以为可以选择光明，但在大多数时候是在选择黑暗，因为有不同的黑暗。

（2021年11月）


English Version -------------------------------------------------


Different darkness


After going through the entire process of the 2020 US presidential election, an acquaintance said angrily in front of many people, “Dark, dark, I am going to leave this place, I must leave!” Then, I heard that he started to collect information about the possibilities and procedures of immigrating to Northern Europe, immigrating to Canada, and even returning to China. One year later, I saw that he was still living in his large house of more than 3,000 square feet, with the newest solar power panels added to the roof, which didn't look like he was leaving.

When I returned to China a few years ago, I was having dinner with my relatives. I heard a cousin who was just demobilized from the army in his twenties talking about his army at the dinner table. “Buying and selling officials is an open matter. Pay two hundred thousand for platoon level position, and five hundred thousand for company commander level position. Those whose position is above battalion commander are unimaginably rich now. Dark, dark!" I don't believe it. The cousin said that he didn't want to spend too much time to convince me. For him, because there was no other place to go, he had to use Monkey King to get into Princess Iron Fan's belly to survive. Later, I saw reports from the "positive media" about the army's great corruption of Gu Junshan, Xu Caihou, etc. From the revelations of this political infighting, I believed my cousin's words to be true.

Darkness is not necessarily the feeling of lying in a collapsed coal seam. It is a feeling of hopelessness, no way out, nowhere to appeal, nowhere to apply, and daring not say something, it is the feeling that a normal moral concept and ethical habits being squeezed to a dead end.

That feeling has been in my heart for years. Under the bright sunshine of May, my young eyes had witnessed that, a young woman who had said a few words of "anti-Party" was taken to the execution ground by parading in the street. They said that this was a mistake at work, and it was a made-up and cover-up by bad guys, and there will be no more in the future. Later, I read that the Nobel Prize winner was guilty of ideology and died of illness in prison. I will never forget a sunny day in junior high school. At the critical meeting place, the daughter of the director of the city's light industry passionately exposed and criticized her mother who. Soon after, her mother committed suicide. Her old revolutionary father said, "We did the same to others in Yan'an." I thought, no matter what kind of officials they became and how much money they made in the future, what hidden in their heart, like me, would definitely not have much light.

We are all like birds, like flies, looking for a bright place, but where? When I was young, I was covered in a quilt and listened to the Voice of America on a shortwave radio. Holding his breath, from the gap of the strong interference noise, I went to suck the news, stories, music, I believe that they are all things that come from a bright place, and the heart of youth is sincerely beating towards that place. Living in this place now, do I feel bright? Every night at 6:30 Western time, watch the main ABC night news on time. The handsome and charming anchor David Muir is called "Crow's Mouth" by our family: I have done statistics for a month, and found that the news broadcast from his mouth every day ,80% or more are negative stuffs, there are natural disasters, man-made disasters, murders, scandals, overwhelmed people, to accompany dinner is a bit of discomfort. I know that the media in democratic countries mainly "expose the dark side." However, the area of the "dark side" is a little too big, the "dark side" seems to be right next to you, and will cover you at any time. Seeing murderers cleverly evading legal sanctions in court, seeing the lowest-level self-interested behaviors that were ruthlessly ignored because of "political correctness", seeing female students being sexually assaulted by boys wearing skirts in the women’s bathroom, father asking for justice was forcibly arrested by the police as a "school terrorist". If you can still taste your boiled fish in a comfortable mood at this time, it would be weird. Because of the fear of those "dark sides" that I once mentioned the purchase of shotguns and the reinforcement of courtyard walls with steel plates on the family agenda. The United States has never been, or is it increasingly not what it was previously imagined? I, a person who has lived here for more than 30 years, discussed to people who have lived here all their life about this. Everyone’s feelings are more inclined to be comparative: life is more difficult, society is more insecure, and the dispute between the two parties it's no longer a conflict of different concepts of governing the country. The conflict of ideas has transcended the interests of the country and the people, and has become a brutal political fight. The improvements that people see in their lives mainly come from the advancement of science and technology, not the advancement of the social structure.

Where is the light? Is it in the "most livable countries" in Northern Europe? Is it in Canada? Is it in Australia? It seems neither. Because people themselves are not bright, we gather together in various forms, relying on each other, and not relying on each other, it is even more difficult to brighten.

So people at this level began to think about whether to be a pig in the pen or a sparrow on the Bell and Drum Tower. The pigs in the pen have dulled their intelligence due to long-term captivity. All they care about is the host's yelling and squeezing each other toward the feeding bucket, but there life is safe and worry-free. The sparrow on the Bell and Drum Tower wanted to find a place to enjoy the world with a high-rise building, but was frightened by the terrible bells and drums all day long. Although it could fly everywhere, the possibility of being shaken to death by the strong sound was not impossible. The other feels the pig in the pigpen is in the dark; the sparrow on the Bell and Drum Tower feels that it is in the dark.

Don't tell me, they are "different in principle." When things come to your head, you will replace those magnificent "principles" ranked 1, 2, 3, and 4 with the true feeling of a living creature. What is the difference between a girl who was killed in a school shooting, and a girl who was executed by the government for "reactionary remarks"? If you are a bystander, you will come up with democracy, freedom, and human rights to prove that the meaning of their loss of life is different. But if you are a relative of the deceased, you will only have a feeling: the causes of death are all evil, all are darkness, no different.

There is no essential difference between darkness, only difference in degree and mode.

It is difficult for people who have never painted seriously to know that black also has a different tone. When I learned that, there are ebony black, crow black, charcoal black, midnight black, ink black, pitch black ... , dozens of different tones of the color of black, I began to imagine how to describe the dark feeling I experienced.

The darkness over there is like a huge steel ingot, with pre-chipped pipes in it, and you live in those pipes. You have only one passage, one entrance, and one exit. The nutrients and air you need can only come from one direction, and your venting and excretion can only go in one direction. There are large and small parasites on the wall that point you in the direction. You don't know where you are going, and they don't know also. On the wall of the pipe it was written, "Towards the paradise of mankind". This kind of dark is helplessly dark.

The darkness here, like a huge black sponge, is overwhelming with thorns, depressing and suffocating. But you can still get air and nutrients, exercise your venting and excretion, from different directions through the space between the fibers of the sponge, you still have some possibilities to stretch yourself. The black here is resignedly dark.

We can’t avoid the darkness, we can only taste the darkness, and we can only decide which kind of darkness we are willing to get along with according to our own situation.

The most precious right of man is the right to choose. When having this right, people think that they can choose light. But most of the time people’s choose are in darkness, because there are different kinds of darkness.

(November, 2021)